Safety First: The First Rule of Love
by mywayornoway
Summary: Warning: Not our average story. Kaob. GH look for a private room throughout Hogwarts. Will they succeed?


The First Rule of Love: Practice Safety

Disclaimer: We do not own anything. And we are damn proud of it.

Quote: "What a piece of work is man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals! ". - (Hamlet, Act II, Scene II).

Two figures were walking down a dimly lit hall holding hands and snogging. The boy had black messy hair while the girl had long wavy red hair. Both were casting nervous glances around them hoping that they would not be discovered. "We're almost there, Ginny," the dark haired boy said looking over at the girl.

"I hope no one is there, Harry," Ginny muttered smiling at the boy.

The two walked up to a tapestry and passed it three times before a door knob appeared and the boy opened the door. As the couple walked through the door they froze. "Ah, sorry," Harry muttered doing a very good interpretation of turning a Weasley red. "I didn't think anyone was in here."

"Didn't you check the map?' George asked after finishing the kiss he was sharing with Parviti Pratil.

"If he had he would have noticed we were missing," Fred stated before he started ravishing Pad ma Pratil.

"What are you two doing here?" Ginny asked here twin brothers.

"We should ask you that, little sis," George stated moving his hand under Parvati's shirt.

"Maybe we should just leave," Harry said trying to avoid the confrontation that was coming.

"I am not a baby," Ginny stormed. "The two of you are as bad as Ron. I would have thought that you two at least would have been happy for me. But no; you can't be."

"Great, now you did," Harry stated glaring at the offending group. "Come on, Gin. We can find somewhere else." Harry pulled Ginny out of the Room of Requirements with an apologetic look to the two couples; and started to walk down the hall again. "Now, where should we go, love"

"I have no ides," Ginny stormed. She was still furious with her git of an older brother. How dare he treat her like that. It was not fair. She and Harry had faced more then any of them. With a slight smile Ginny started leading Harry through the halls and down the stairs to the Great Hall. In the Great Hall the candles were dimly lit and there was soft music coming from the door.

"Ah, I think someone had the same idea," Harry muttered opening the double doors to reveal several first and second years snogging all over the place. "Actually, quiet a few somebodies."

Neither Ginny nor Harry noticed the approach of Peeves the poltergeist until they were hit by a cellophane square package that read self-warming rubber. No matter what the temperature you'll always be warm. "Don't forget to be safe," Peeves called blowing a raspberry.

"Oh, go play with yourself," Ginny roared at the retreating Peeves. As Harry picked up the package and studied it with a thoughtful look on his face before pocketing it with a grin.

The couple then proceeded down to the dungeons sure that no one would think to go into the Potions room. As they walked into the Potions room they were unprepared for the sight that meet their eyes. Professor Snape was standing with his back to the door leaning over a very fat short toad like witch roughly kissing her as he was digging under her shirt. Both the wizard and the witch were without their robes and a bed had been transfigured from two of the lab tables.

"EEEEWWWWW," Ginny exclaimed as she caught the sight turning a deep shade of red and burying her head into Harry's shoulder.

"At the sound of the interruption a very guilty looking Potions Master jerked up and turned around to find the young wizard and witch staring open mouthed at him. "Potter, Weasley, what do you think you are doing here," Snape snapped hurriedly trying to zip his pants and hiding the witch at the same time.

"Ah, ah, ah, I think you need this more then we do," Harry stated pulling the condom out of his pocket and throwing it at Snape while he backed out of the room.

"Potter, where did you get this?" Snape asked catching the condom in one hand.

"Peeves threw it at us," Harry explained trying not to laugh.

"Why this is the exact same one I had in school?" Snape muttered studying the package.

"Professor Snape, when exactly did you get this?" Ginny asked trying to keep a straight face.

"Third year," Snape muttered gasping as the toad-like witch was moving her hands around to the front of his pants and trying to unzip them. "My dad gave it to me with a warning not to get any girls pregnant." At this both teens burst out laughing. "Your dad and godfather could have used more then one of these judging from how many close calls they had."

"Too much information for me," Harry exclaimed. "Lets get out of here, Gin. Remember safe sex is the only way to go for you." Harry added before bolting out the door.

"We definitely don't want little Snapes running around now do we," Ginny muttered closing the door.

"Now were where we," the toad like witch asked as Snape turned to her. "Ah yes, right her." The witch continued unzipping Snapes pants. "Oh, Severus," the witch murmured stroking him. "You are so big. Please promise not to hurt me."

"I would never hurt you my dear, Deloris," Snape murmured into the witches ear as he flicked his wand and the lights dimmed even more. "Now it is my turn," he said as he worked his hands and lips further down her body kissing every body part he could find.

Back in the hall Ginny and Harry were doubled over gasping for breath and making gagging sounds. "I will never think of Potions the same way again," Harry muttered finally getting his breath back.

"I won't be able to work at those tables again," Ginny added with a grimace. "Who would have thought - Professor Snape and Professor Umbridge."

"The world is surely going to come to an end. I would have never thought Snape would be with anyone."

"Or Snape with a condom. That is just to disturbing."

The two teens were so occupied with their thoughts that they were surprised when they heard voices coming out of the Potions room. "Oh, Sev, you are so good," a feminine voice exclaimed. "Where did you learn all that?"

"Practice my dear," Snape could be heard muttering through the door.

"Haven't you two heard of the silencing charm," Harry yelled at the door. "And next time I would suggest you lock the door."

"What your still out there?" Umbridge stormed.

"Your check will land you in detention, Potter," Snape sneered from inside the room.

"Fine, I'll do it," Harry muttered going to the door just as Peeves was coming through the ceiling.

"Ew, ew, ew, ew, now I am going to have nightmares for the rest of my life," Peeves screamed. "I was just innocently floating through the classrooms..."

"You being innocent," Ginny muttered trying not to laugh.

"Anyway I was about to go in the Potions room," Peeves continued as if he had not been interrupted. "You don't want to go in. It's horrid. It's a nightmare."

"What?" Ginny and Harry asked together. "Tell us please."

"Snape's doing a professor this time," Peeves muttered.

"This time," Harry muttered with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes, last time he was doing," Peeves started. "Last time he was doing... Never mind."

"We know," Ginny piped in. "We were just in there. And Harry had to put a silencing charm on the door."

"Here," Peeves murmured throwing two square protecting packages at Harry and Ginny. "Put them to good use."

"Thanks I suppose," Harry muttered studying the packages. "Hey, Gin, look. This one is reusable and this one is reusable and self-warming. Sounds interesting." After studying the packages Ginny and Harry, both of whom still had disgusted looks on their faces started out to the Quiditch Pitch hoping they would finally be able to find an empty place of their own.

As they made their way to the doors they noticed Professor Trelawney and Hagrid just inside the Great Hall snogging each other while heading up to the head table. "Oh, Hagrid, I can't wait to see your crystal balls," Trelawney giggled as Hagrid carried her.

"Can this night get anymore unusual?" Ginny asked Harry as they ran into Peeves who was floating just above their heads.

"To bad we don't have a condom that would fit Hagrid," Harry muttered down to Ginny who was giggling in his arms.

"Poor Potty," Peeves moaned laying underneath Ginny who only wore a mini skirt under her robes. "No condom to throw at the crystal balls. Peevsey will have to rectify this. And Weasy no panties either."

"Get out of there, Peeves," Harry yelled reaching down and pulling Peeves up by his leg.

"Be nice to poor Peevesy," Peeves cried up to Harry. "Or Peevesy won't give you more condoms."

"Oh fine," Harry stormed letting Peeves go. "Now hand them over. And no more looking up my girlfriends robe."

"Potty needs to get some to night," Peeves exclaimed throwing several condoms at Harry and Ginny. "Poor Peeves give Potty size adjusting ones now. No thank you or anything. See if Peevesy give you anything ever again."

"Thank you, Peeves," Harry muttered picking the packages up and pocketing all but one. "Oy, Hagrid, I believe the two of you will need these for the night. Now set a good example for the firsty and seacondys."

"Thanks, Harry," Hagrid grinned catching the cellophane package. "Your a right good chap."

"Lets go, Gin," Harry muttered picking Ginny up and running out the door. "There has to be a place that hasn't been taken yet."

As Harry and Ginny headed to the Quidditch Pitch Ginny couldn't resist the urge to reach down through the opening in his robes to his jean snap and unsnap his jeans and play with his wand. "Ah, love, if you keep doing that we may never make it to someplace private," Harry moaned as his voice went up and down.

When they got to the stadium they noticed several couples in the bleachers so they continued to the Gryfindor changing room positive that it would at least be empty. However they were sorely disappointed to find it occupied by two house-elves. When the house-elves noticed the young wizard and witch they turned a deep red muttering apologies and getting ready to leave but Harry stopped them with a groan stating that they would find another spot well tossing them a condom and instructing them to use it. "Mister Harry Potter so kind," the male elf muttered bowing low. "We follow Masters Malfoy and Thomas. They in Slytherin room."

Disappointed but determined to find a private place they continued to the Ravenclaw changing room where they ran into yet another pair of house-elves who were grabbing each others butts . Before the house-elves noticed the teens. Harry grabbed a cellophane wrapper and threw it at them hitting one of the elves in the head which caused them to separate and bow low muttering, "Masters Thomas and Malfoy very good. They is teaching us."

Ginny still playing with Harry looked towards the house-elves with a big grin told them to at least read the instructions before opening the package. "Are we ever going to find our own spot?" Ginny whispered into Harry's ear before nibbling on it.

The teens once again continued on their way around the pitch this time heading for Huffelpuff. As they entered the dressing room they came across two nude house-elves who were laying on a bench one on top of the other. "Now, now, we don't need any baby house-elves," Harry moaned reaching into Ginny's skirt pocket and retrieving a condom which he had wisely placed there so it would be within reach and threw it at the house-elves. "Read the instructions," Harry called as he carried Ginny out the door and resigned himself to the fact that they would have to use the Slytherin changing room. As they entered the last changing room Harry had his hand down Ginny's skirt. As they looked around they saw Dean on top of Draco.

"Do you mind?" Draco demanded. "We're working here."

"Here take this before you start" Ginny giggled as she tossed two condoms at them.

"Now off to the Shrieking Shack." Harry whispered in Ginny's ears before walking out of the room.

"Now how do you use this thing?" Dean asked Draco opening the package.

"It says here," Draco muttered reading the package waiting for the action to start. "You place it on your pleasure stick and it will magical adjust to fit. Wait there is more. It says that they are self warming, ribbed for pleasure, self lubricating, and extra durable. Now stick it in me."

"My aren't we the demanding one," Dean joked as he leaned into Draco and entered slowly.

As Ginny and Harry slowly made their way through the trapdoor they were meet by a very disgruntled Remus Lupin who was glaring at them for interrupting him and Tonks who was laying on the bed naked. "For Merlin sake, Harry," Remus stormed. "Haven't you learned to knock?"

"Haven't you learned to lock the door?" Harry countered throwing his last condom at Remus before shutting the trapdoor.

"That was our last one," Ginny complained nipping Harry's ear. "Why did you have to give them all a way?'

"I am sure Peeves will give us more when we get to the castle," Harry muttered placing his hand back into Ginny's skirt. "Up to the Astronomy Tower. Sirius always said that was the best place for a snogging and shagging session."

"With our luck he'll already be there," Ginny complained stroking Harry.

"We will find our own place, Sweetness," Harry murmured into Ginny's ear as they entered the castle again running into Peeves who tossed them five more condoms before floating off muttering something about Hogwarts under a love curse. And Dumbledore himself who started it being powerless cause he too has fallen victim with Professor McGonagall.

"Too much information, Peeves," Ginny yelled after the retreating poltergeist.

"It was bad enough that we walked in on Snape," Harry stated readjusting his hold on Ginny without taking his hand out of her skirt while he picked up the condoms off the floor. "But McGonagall with Dumbledore is just. I don't know."

"Just too unexpected," Ginny supplied as two ghosts floated by snogging.

As luck would have it the Astronomy Tower was occupied by a very busy Sirius and Madam Pomfrey who were in various stages of undress. Pomfrey was complaining about all her condoms missing while taking pleasure in the arms of Sirius. Taking pity on the couple Harry threw them one of the packages instructing them to use them with care and to think of him. After all he did not fancy the thought of having to endure a pregnant Madam Pomfrey. She was unbearable enough without the mood swings a pregnancy was sure to bring on.

Not wanting to admit defeat and sure that the dorm would be empty Harry carried Ginny to the Fifth year boys dormitory. As he pushed the door to the dorm open he let out an exasperated breath as he noticed that Neville and Seamus were sleeping in Neville's bed. How they got back Harry had no clue, but he was determined to kick them out. "OY," Harry yelled at the top of his lungs. "You've had your fun for the night. Now get out so I can have mine."

At the sound of Harry's frustrated scream both boys jumped ten feet in the air and ran to the common room where they fell back to sleep on two of the sofas. "I told you we would find a place," Harry whispered into Ginny's ear laying her on the bed and pulling her skirt down before leaning over her with a wicked grin. "And we still have one condom left with my name on it."

a/n: Hoped you liked it. This is a total deviation from what we normally write. We thought we would try it out as an experiment. If it goes over well we might just write more like it. Normally we stay within the confines of the teen rating. We did have fun writing this though. Please review and tell us how we did. Flames are welcome. After all we do not know what you did not like if you do not tell us.

mwonw, tttl, koab


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